If there is one skill that I really drive home to all of my clients, it's how to properly feel your feelings. I am an associate mental health counselor, and I work with people that struggle to stop intellectualizing and start feeling. You cannot "logic" your way out of feeling something, which is a really harsh reality for many people who were never taught how to feel. Now, processing emotions is much different than having an awareness that you are having an uncomfortable emotion. Thinking about your feelings can lead to rumination and unresolved grief or sadness. People often try to analyze their feelings by asking questions like "why am I feeling this way?" or "why can't I move on from this?" Although our logic mind means well, it is often unhelpful when there is a situation we must emotionally process first. Have you ever known something to be true, but not felt it to be true? This is because your emotions haven't caught up with your logic yet, and your logic is acting as a shield for a painful experience. Pain is part of life, but how we move through it matters.
Most of my clients tell me that this skill was the most helpful in being able to see and feel progress on their healing journey. It is something that sounds so elementary but is much easier said than done. Here are the 5 steps to help you get out of your head and into your feelings.
1. Label the Emotion
When we label the emotion, we can start to make sense of what we are feeling. When people are first starting out with feeling their feelings, it is helpful to look at an emotions wheel and identify all of the emotions they are currently experiencing (just Google "emotions wheel" and I promise, something will come up). Don't worry, you don't have to process each one individually. We are simply putting a name to the discomfort we are experiencing.
2. Where Do You Feel this Experience in Your Body?
Locating where we feel emotions in the body helps us to focus on them when we start processing and "sitting with" the emotions in step 4. Also, sometimes we feel emotions in our body before we start to cognitively process them. When we get a sensation in the body, it can act as a "warning" that a certain emotion is coming on that we want to pay attention to. When we combine labelling the emotion to locating the emotion in the body, we start recognizing patterns and becoming more in tune with our emotions.
3. Validate Your Emotions
Sometimes this is where logic starts to creep in. People will use shame to invalidate the hurt they are feeling.
"Why do I still feel this way. I should be over this by now. Hurt? I'm not hurt. I'm tougher than this."
Our ego can get in the way of admitting that something is deeply affecting us. It is ok to admit you are hurting, sad, angry, etc. Emotions are normal and everyone experiences them. I talk about this part a lot in my breakup journal, HeartBreak Recovery Program, so I will use an example relevant to relationships to demonstrate how to validate an emotion when logic or our ego tries to get in the way:
"I am hurt that this person isn't in my life anymore, even though they mistreated me. It is ok for me to feel sad and miss them despite how bad things ended. It makes sense that I feel sad right now. I am allowed to miss him/her."
See how that is much different from saying
"Why would I miss them? They were horrible to me. I need to just move on."
Logic. Sneaky sneaky. But the sad reality is, we do miss them. The longer we deny it, the longer it takes for the pain to pass.
Of course, this is just one very specific example, but hopefully it is helpful for conceptualizing how to validate the emotions that you are experiencing rather than talking yourself out of feeling.
4. Sit With the Discomfort (Don't Try to Change it)
Now, we sit with it. Yup. This is how we increase our tolerance to distress and increase emotional confidence. Think about it- when someone is going through a breakup and they reach out to their ex, what is most likely happening? They are avoiding an emotionally uncomfortable experience instead of going through it. It's not about the partner; it's about not wanting to feel pain.
To sit with the discomfort, you have to use all of steps 1-3 first. You focus on the body sensations, the emotions you are having, and validating yourself. Give yourself a peptalk:
"This emotion is temporary as they all are. This will pass, but for now, I will not try to change it."
"Thoughts are just thoughts, feelings are just feelings. I am just going to notice them."
Oh but wait, here comes logic again.
"Why did they do this to me? If I could just figure out why, then I would feel better."
We are letting go of the "why's" and we are only focusing on the "what's." Why did this person hurt me? Don't know. Don't care. What did this person do? They hurt me. I feel sad and I feel hurt. I don't need to know they why, I just need to sit with the discomfort. Redirect logic to the emotion you are experiencing every time you notice it.
Step 2 is also relevant here. To sit with emotions, you may also focus on where you feel it in the body. This sort of overlaps with mindfulness practice.
"I feel this in my chest right now. I am just noticing that and holding space for that."
Feelings like anxiety are tricky. The more we try to get rid of anxiety, the more it grows. Allow your anxiety to exist and regulate yourself through it. This includes using deep breathing or other anxiety soothing techniques, not to get rid of the anxiety, but to calm your body and create safety for anxiety.
5. Soothe Yourself. Release. Repeat.
Soothing yourself is different than using a distraction. Do whatever you have to do that is healthy and adaptive to create a safe space for you to feel with intention. For me personally, I put my phone away, lay down, and focus on the experience without any distractions. For others, it is helpful to channel the emotion into an outlet, such as dancing, writing, art, running, etc. Allow the emotion to pass and then release it. It may come back up later, that's fine. But we don't want to cling onto the experience longer than we need to (AKA, we don't need to ruminate). After some time, you should notice that the intensity and frequency of the emotion will begin to decrease.
I know the examples I used were mainly around heartbreak and grief, but this can be applicable to most emotional experiences. For example, impulse control:
"I want to buy this thing, and I feel like I must have it NOW. This feeling is uncomfortable and I feel impulsive. It is ok for me to feel this discomfort. I am just going to sit with this discomfort until it passes. I am not going to buy this thing. I am only focusing on the discomfort of the experience right now."
Phobias or emotionally avoidant behaviors:
"I feel scared right now. It is ok that I feel scared and it makes sense that I feel scared. I'm going to sit with this feeling, knowing my body is safe and that this feeling will pass."
And so on and so forth. For complex cases and trauma, it is best to see a licensed mental health professional to assist you in your healing journey. Remember, progress isn't linear and it is ok to mess it up sometimes. Give feeling your feelings a go and watch how much of a difference it makes in your life!